my only wish:
to follow a cloud
ag ~ 2013
I believe that the sentiment, “Life is too short to drink cheap wine” is a familiar one. I totally agree with its intention (whenever possible) and also with the corollary that decent wine does not have to be expensive to be enjoyed either. On that note, I have come to add a maxim of my own: “Life is too short to drink chamomile tea instead of something else.” Try as I may for an adult lifetime and more discards of half-finished cups than I am comfortable to admitting—I just don’t like the taste or get enough satisfaction out of it to appreciate its value. It’s possible that packaged chamomile tea has been crapified down too much into “good for you” marketing limpid bags. My grandmother used to brew real chamomile flowers into tea as a tonic for her children. Perhaps the real stuff is worth working with, however all the “sleepytime” marketing and promises just don’t pass muster for me. And the shame of it is that I love the word chamomile and will have to use it henceforth only in poetry or prose. I usually have a cuppa tea next to the computer as I write this around 3:00 AM nightly. Chamomile has been my go-to decaffeinated choice for its calming attributes.
This pandemic has taught me a lot about self-care: with true self-care, comfort and pleasure sometimes outweigh the promise or premise of (puportedly) healthier and healing. In other words, during a pandemic, comfort takes on its own healing modality. We all must judge this for ourselves, and unbridled hedonism does not eclipse healthy choices. Harmony of the two should not be overrated at this juncture.
So it is with some sadness and disappointment that I bid adieu to any more middle-of-the-night cups of chamomile, and while I’m at it, so too rose-hip tea. It is with great pleasure on the other hand, that I welcome back black pekoe (decaffeinated) into my swinging night life. I feel better already.
new haircut same face no more chamomile tea
Yesterday was a rather rough day. I learned that the insurance adjuster totaled my car, while watching out all morning for two workers from our internet provider who worked on restoring wifi and climbed poles during a tornado watch and torrential rains. My everlasting gratitude for their dedication and perseverance despite a tension headache that escalated with each weather report. I had to escort them in and out of the gated nursery (about 500′) to the phone box on the outside of the building (actually an old three-room chicken coop that served as the nursery sales and work rooms in better times). I had to change out of three pairs of soaked jeans.
So I turned as I usually due to cooking and chopping while responding to and monitoring the men on the telephone poles, talking to the insurance representatives and a car dealer. I managed to make an old rustic Italian favorite—pasta fagoli or pasta and with ceci (chickpeas) in a garlicy tomato and basil broth.
When the tornado warnings became more localized, I decide to attack the flourless chocolate cake in my refrigerator that I did not get to eat for Easter dessert due to other circumstances beyond my control. And as a “friend” reminded me—I would have a much greater chance of staying grounded in a tornado if I was that much heavier. I also wanted my last meal (if indeed the case) to include pasta and finish with velvety chocolate.
Luckily for me, I am still here to share today’s blog, heavier but happier that I decided to live in the moment and screw the extra calories.
chocolate on my tongue bittersweet
Yesterday tears streamed. Grief for families, and a daughter in particular, who had to say goodbye to a parent dying from covid-19. Due to hospital visiting restrictions as well as long distance travel problems, the afflicted spend their last days and hours without the support of close loved ones. It’s heartbreaking because we see in each situation a part of ourselves, our own fears and our own tenderness.
Speaking of tenderness, love rivers its own course. Nurses now stand in for absent family members and tend to the spirit of those dying and to family who can not be present. Thus new families are birthed through this separation, grief and its attendant ministering of love and sharing. During this pandemic isolation, we are physically separate, and yet we are all the more connected on so many levels and as-yet-to-be imagined emanations. Covid-19 has been termed a novel (corona) virus. Viruses spread affliction yes, however they also spread affection.
I start chopping
another goodbye on the horizon coyotes howl
On Saturday I made pizza for the first time in thirty years! I made the dough from scratch—it only takes four ingredients: flour, water, yeast and salt with added optional dried rosemary from last year’s garden for a savory touch. I rolled out the dough on my green linoleum farmhouse countertop and stretched the clingy mass into abstract shapes in well-worn rectangular cookie tins. Voila, about four hours and much-flour-on-the-floor later—Grandma’s pizza or as we called it back in the day—tomato pie. Grandma and mom were there with me with the same remarks from the other side (in my head) as when they were here in the flesh. “More oil, shred the mozzarella—don’t cut it, and why are you using American-made tomatoes? Use the good ones in the cans from Italy.” I finally had to ask them to butt out and leave it to me. “I can do this.” That’s what happens when you come from a long line of matriarchs who are home-grown kitchen chefs.
Why did I have to wait to be sequestered to give myself permission to make pizza, when in reality (as we knew it to be), I could easily have done it on any given Saturday (barring spring and summer—my busy gardening seasons)? There is something about having no option to go outside my house (this also happens during blizzards but not hurricanes) when I give myself permission to cook or bake something special. There is also comfort in recalling simple pleasures and tasks.
This quarantine allowed me to explore an age old tradition and reconnect with my mom and grandma kneading and stretching dough in their kitchens. They also lived through the duress of a great depression, world wars, rationing and shortages. I absolutely know what they would say to me: “Buck up—you can do this!” The pizza-making brought me back to my youth, their culinary magic, grit and fortitude. I will do this again. Time is relative. Too often though, it is lost in busyness.
kneading time into dough
the rise and stretch
hand to hand
Sometimes it’s all about leaning into it. Sometimes it’s about letting go. It’s Sunday morning and the Corona quiet could be deafening, or it could be soothing. Life is changing, more abruptly than we are used to or care for in our humaness. However, it is nature’s way: through fire, flood, storms, earthquakes and viruses. She is asking us to adapt and grow.
letting go letting g letting lettin lett let …
I am taking great comfort in all the small and creative ways people are reaching out to each other and connecting. I learned that friends and families are staying connected through virtual dinner parties where everyone is making the same food/dishes in their own homes and sitting down together virtually and at the same time to share the meal. How amazing is that?!? I too have been part of a virtual happy hour where we were all texting and sharing our individual concoctions (it’s a very creative cocktail and appetizer crowd on any given day, viral isolation or not) complete with laughter, jokes and photos.
Artists, musicians, readers, puzzle-enthusiasts and countless others are connecting and challenging each other while fostering creative solutions to what otherwise could be dire circumstances. i’m not downplaying the real hardships here—simply pointing out some healthy responses to this novel infection. “Out of chaos comes creativity.”
the boisterous clink of glasses
resounds via text